ENGLAND YAIFUMUA SAN MARINO 8-0

Rio, what’s the score, the travellers sang, but in truth it was exactly what he, they and  everybody else would have expected. England thrashed San Marino by a margin not seen since before the Premier League era.

This was a throwback to a different time; to days of mismatches and laughing stocks. It wasn’t as much fun as it sounds.

The goals feel almost like incidentals. A check list. Header? Got that. Tap-in? Yes. Belter from 30 yards? Nice. Own goal? Natch. Back-heel? Ooh, you devil. One from Frank Lampard? Obviously. There was absolutely no comparison to the games that took  England to play Andorra under Steve McClaren and later Fabio Capello. San Marino are far, far worse than the minnows to which they are so often compared.

Scroll down for video of England beating Turkey in 1987

Comfortable: England won't have many easier nights than the one they had in San Marino

MATCH FACTS

San Marino: Aldo Simoncini, Fabio Vitaioli, Palazzi, Alessandro Della Valle, Davide Simoncini, Cervellini, Gasperoni, Cibelli (Buscarini 67), Fabio Bollini (Carlo Valentini 81), Selva (Rinaldi 74), Matteo Vitaioli.

Subs: Federico Valentini, Bacciocchi, Bianchi, Coppini, Alex Della Valle, Vannucci.

England: Hart, Walker, Smalling, Lescott, Baines, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Lampard (Parker 67), Cleverley (Osman 56), Young, Rooney (Sturridge 56), Defoe.

Subs: Foster, Cole, Taylor, Caulker, Milner, Gerrard, Carrick, Welbeck, Forster.

Goal: Alessandro Della Valle (og) 12, Oxlade-Chamberlain 28, Defoe 36, 77, Young 39, Lampard 42, Rooney 54, Sturridge 70. 

Att: 4,900

Referee: Alain Bieri (Switzerland)

Click here for full results and tables from all of Friday night's action

Andorra are useless, but nasty. They leave the foot in, they wind up good players. San Marino haven’t the wit to be spiteful. Young men dressed in national costume from centuries past marched around the perimeter before the game, beating drums and tossing flags. England might as well have played them, for all the difference it made.

One question: some of the flag-chucking was really quite impressive. So if the Sammarinese can teach their youth to perform this quite intricate skill, surely they could also instruct them how to play a decent pass or defend a corner?

Apparently not. Handicapped  by size, infrastructure and club opportunity, they are rotten  opponents whose aim is only to avoid humiliation.

They failed. England were 5-0 up at half-time. If they needed to score 15, it might have been on.

Goals came, effortlessly. In the 12th minute, a long ball from Leighton Baines was cut out by Alessandro Della Valle. Good work, it seemed. Did well to stop Wayne Rooney there. And then Della Valle, a bank clerk by trade — and let’s hope he counts with more accuracy than he plays, sliced the ball into his net — the 125th international goal conceded by goalkeeper Aldo Simoncini.

It wouldn’t end there, we knew. Surprisingly, it took 16 further minutes for the second to arrive. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain cut into the box from the right, exchanged a smart one-two with Rooney and then finished with a shot, dead straight. A better goalkeeper might have got in the way of it. Simoncini isn’t too  practiced at upsetting the odds.

LATEST GROUP H TABLE

Floodgates open: San Marino's Alessandro Della Valle (centre) scores an own goal to open the scoring in Serravalle

First for England: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (centre) scores his first goal for his country

Moldova 0 Montenegro 1

Read the report on England's biggest rivals

And on it went. In the 35th minute, Rooney hit a cross to deep in the penalty area, where Oxlade- Chamberlain headed it back across goal. This appeared to be an  unexpected development for the Sammarinese defence, who allowed Jermain Defoe to knock the ball in from a matter of yards.

Actually, the next goal was worth the price of admission, although probably not the trip to the  Adriatic coast most made before ponying up for the ticket. Still, small mercies and all that. Ashley Young collected the ball roughly 25 yards out and hit a shot which struck the underside of the bar and cannoned down over the line, as all good goals should.

More? What do you think?

Leighton Baines, making the most of the fact that San Marino were playing as if they had never seen an overlapping full-back before, went on a run and then switched a pass inside to Lampard. The captain  of the night did what he always does. Side of the foot, never in doubt, 5-0.

Simple: Jermain Defoe (right) applies the simplest of finishes for the third goal

Stunner: Ashley Young (right) scored a great goal from 35 yards

So then we had a little break. And nothing changed, as it was never going to. In the 53rd minute,  England got a free-kick just outside the area which Rooney measured up, clearly fancying his chances. With some justification.

He got it over the wall and down but Simoncini’s resistance was poor. A good Premier League  goalkeeper would have got it. To be fair, a good Premier League mascot would have had a reasonable go.

Having reached the point at which the word would be written after the number on the BBC vidiprinter — England 6 (SIX) — the visitors then added a seventh. Young surged down the left, crossed, and substitute  Daniel Sturridge was left unmarked to head into the net.

That's four: Captain for the night Frank Lampard (second from right) scores his 28th England goal

Last action: Wayne Rooney (left) curled in a lovely free-kick before he was substituted

Roy Hodgson had certainly issued instructions about showboating, and England were respectful throughout their demolition. But if you’ve got it, flaunt it baby, and Defoe did, a backheel finishing Kyle Walker’s break down the right for the eighth, the only double goal scorer of the night. The last time England had seven different names on the team-sheet was 1982.

At the other end, a parallel universe. Under normal circumstances, a goalkeeper so cocksure that he responds to encouragement to give the crowd a wave after just three minutes of an international match would be considered  arrogant. For Joe Hart last night we can make an exception.

He expected to be a bystander for 90 minutes, and was. His every touch, and they could be counted comfortably, was met with ironic cheers. Speculation centred on what he could do to pass the time. Solitaire, perhaps, or getting the beers in. Mostly he patrolled the space five yards from his area,  trying to look alert, occasionally slipping into a motionless torpor. It would have been easy for many onlookers to join him.

Finishing touches: Daniel Sturridge heads in at the far post

This really was a quite ridiculous football match. It felt like a  contractual obligation, a piece of work a recording artist tosses off without caring before embarking on a major project for his new label.

If it were a CD it would be a shoddy live cash-in, full of old material or inferior demo takes.

This is something England have to do to move on to the next phase.

Rested: Captain Steven Gerrard (pictured) and Ashley COle were rested ahead of the key clash against Montenegro

For the fans it is a box ticked, a dance card stamped. They have now done San Marino. So has  everybody, in a football sense, since 1990. They have won a single game in that time — non-competitive, naturally — and haven’t scored in four years. If they played that time straight, no breather, the statistic would be unlikely to change.

There are no easy games in  international football we hear. Really? This was beyond easy. It made a mockery of the concept of competition. San Marino never took a serious forward step, never attempted to put fewer than 11 men behind the ball.

The real test comes: England's coach Roy Hodgson will know this result means nothing if his team don't get a result on Tuesday

If the teams were getting better, there could be a case for the inclusion of minnow nations at this level of international football. As it is, San Marino never improve, never challenge, and represent nothing more than a date in the calendar. They are pointless. This is pointless.

Indeed, it is harmful. Whenever the manager of a powerful club mocks the standing of the international game he has games such as this in his sights. And he is right. It is unnecessary. It is a waste of time.

England did what they had to do and went off to prepare for a proper game of football. One in which both teams compete, in Podgorica on Tuesday night.

ENGLAND'S BIG AWAY WINS

England boosted their goal difference spectacularly against San Marino in tonight's World Cup qualifier, winning 8-0 in Serravalle.

Here are some of England's previous big away wins in competitive games.

Northern Ireland 1 England 5, 1979, European Championship qualifier

Belfast's Windsor Park played host to an England team which included the likes of Peter Shilton and Steven Coppell, and the visitors went home comfortable winners thanks to two goals each from Trevor Francis and Tony Woodcock plus an own goal from Northern Ireland's Jimmy Nicholl. Ron Greenwood's team qualified for the finals, taking England through for the first time since 1968, but laboured performances in Italy meant they failed to advance from the first-round group stage.

Turkey 0 England 8, 1987, World Cup qualifier

Viv Anderson, the first black footballer to play for England, scored his first goal for his country as England thrashed Turkey at the Inonu Stadium, Istanbul. Manager Bobby Robson was keen to win this World Cup qualifier off the back of the team's failure to qualify for the 1984 European Championship, and the goal from Anderson, two each from John Barnes and Tony Woodcock and a hat-trick from Bryan Robson ensured they achieved their mission in style.

Match Facts: England: Peter Shilton, Gary Stevens, Kenny Sansom, Tony Adams, Terry Butcher, Trevor Steven (Glenn Hoddle 45), Bryan Robson, Neil Webb, Peter Beardsley (Cyrille Regis 73), Gary Lineker, John Barnes

Goals: Barnes 2, 28, Lineker 8, 43, 70, Robson 59, Beardsley 62, Webb 88

Turkey: Fatih Uraz, Riza Çalimbay, Semih Yuvakuran, Ali Çoban, Erhan Önal, Ali Gültiken (Savas Demiral 35), Ugur Tütüneker, Yusuf Altintas, Kayhan Kaynak (Tanju Çolak 45), Erdal Keser, Iskender Günen

San Marino 1 England 7, 1993, World Cup qualifier

Davide Gualtieri scored the fastest goal in World Cup qualifying history before England recovered for the most hollow of victories, as their World Cup qualifying hopes died. England needed to win by seven goals and hope that Poland would beat Holland, however their hopes were hit when Gualtieri scored eight seconds in after capitalising on an underhit backpass from Stuart Pearce. England went on to score seven goals, with Ian Wright grabbing four, but Holland's victory made matters irrelevant. Manager Graham Taylor resigned days later after a barrage of criticism directed at him and his team.

Germany 1 England 5, 2001, World Cup qualifier

England went to the Olympiastadion in Munich with qualification for the 2002 World Cup in the balance. Carsten Jancker bundled in a German goal after only six minutes, but that served to motivate an England team that played with verve and creativity for the rest of the game. Michael Owen equalised and Steven Gerrard drove home a trademark long-range strike on the stroke of half-time. Owen scored twice more in the second half to complete a stunning hat-trick, with Emile Heskey completing the rout. The win put England in a strong position in the group and they qualified for the 2002 tournament courtesy of a memorable David Beckham free-kick in the final game against Greece.

VIDEO: The last time England scored eight goals

 

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Saturday, March 23, 2013